What you won't do for love? I've tried everything but I give up...

I'd like to start this blog off with some words from my ace, my apple scrapple... I introduce to you...myzaki...

"With lips as skillful as my own metrical compositions, I'd whisper eternity in your ear, if you'd take the chance to listen... I'd take you to where only imagination has allowed you a pass before; I'd tattoo fantasies on your skin with my tongue to unlock the door...to untapped regions on your cerebral map... Nigga, you've never had it like this, cause I got it like that..."

I've loved this one person soooo much. I don't believe that I loved my first is hard and as much as I love him. Not saying that I didn't love him but this time around...its different. The problem is, although I love him regardless of all of the things we've been through, he says that he doesn't see me that way...but not only are we best friends but we have a son together. There are details of our friendship that is borderline relationship and continues to be in certain ways. Some ways have ended for the sake of our friendship but then...the others are still alive and kicking.

The thing is....I believe many of his hang ups are because he believes what he wants to believe about me instead of what I'm saying. "...I'd whisper eternity in your ear, if you'd take the chance to listen..." thats me....but at the same time, I've noticed that there are characteristics about me that he's looking for in other people that are who I am. He expects these people to be a certain way and do certain things which is because of the way I treat him. "Nigga, you've never had it like this, cause I got it like that..."

What I've shown him and given to him has rang so deep inside of him that he wants it in his life and I understand the concept of finding out that you like something in particular and you look for that thing. Unfortunately, when it comes to people, there are some things that you are only gonna find in one package. You maybe able to find one quality here, two there, they may even be in one package but there will be one thing that cancels out everything else. Whereas everything he wants and needs lies within me.

"I'd take you to where imagination has only allowed you a pass before;" He's only been able to see parts of me because he set so many lines and boundaries. I really wish it wasn't that way, but it is that way. He doesn't see us in a relationship, but still wanted to have sex with me, wanted me to kiss and cuddle with him, wanted me to be open with him. How? How can I give so much of myself to someone who just told me that they didn't want me? I built walls, I was able to do somethings without thinking of it and other things I had to cut off. I gave him my body out of love. At one point, I was hoping it would change things, but it didn't. I learned that the hard way.

In my heart I always believed and believe that he's in love with me, but because its so unconditional and he's use to conditional, that he doesn't even know it. He's counting on fate, but not willing to work for it. Faith without works is dead is what they tell me. If he believes it so much, why not act like it? Instead, the way that our friendship is now, is the way it should have been from the beginning, but there's more....there's always more....

Clozet Freak

Okay…there are many closets to come out of. Most people think because homosexuals and lesbians are the ones who made this term useful that obviously its one or the other but that is wrong. I, I am a closet freak. My freak comes with stipulations. Mainly, I have to be in love with you in order, let’s call her Laura Charles, to come out otherwise, she may peep her head out every now and then. I have no problems with telling someone what I like doing or what I’m willing to do but like I said, its mainly on the “in love” playing field. Granted, there have been few times that Ms. Charles has shown up off the playing grounds but it takes a gifted man to make her appear. My biggest problem is because I have some control over Ms. Charles, men tend to think that there isn’t a freak inside. There is a freak inside but the question is, if he’s only there for the freak or is he there for me?

I’m an unconditional lover so if I’m in love with you there’s no limit. Well there is one limit and that’s adding participants. Things could go either way…either the extra she could turn him on to them doing the do without me or the extra he could turn me on to doing the do without him or me and she, even he and him…you never know what you might like until you try it….Getting back to the subject. In love I’m limitless…whatever you wanna do. For instance, I was dealing with someone and he always mentioned how he wanted someone to make his sexual blaze into an inferno. I’m the only one that I know of, that he always want. To the point where his desire for me keeps him fighting himself not to act on what he’s feeling. Now I don’t know if he’s like this with anyone else but from what he tells me, I’m the only one. I think part of his problem is that he doesn’t think I can handle what he has to give. Not knowing my sexual history, I can understand why.

I’m not the most experience but my sex drive is off the hook. The difference between me and a regular freak is that I’m picky. I don’t want any and everybody. I want someone I know, someone I love and care for deeply. Before I started having sex, I was masturbating. At the least, I was 11 when I realized I could feel that way. Touching myself, sticking my pillow between my legs until I came (not really knowing what that was but just knowing it felt good). Sneaking porn and it turning me on, feeling my pussy pulsate. When I actually started having sex I was 17. We would have sex at least 3 times during the course of a day. Sometimes 2-3 days in a row and loving it. When I met my friend, I learned what sexy was about. Walking out in a kimono robe, red bra and thong set, showing him my goods. Showing up with just the robe on and some heels…as he would say, we’ve done some “sexy shit”…At that point I wasn’t in love with him but I cared for him a lot which opened the door.

Because things never really jumped off for up relationship wise, its been a battle because I wanna do everything he wants to do and more…but I can’t because his love is conditional. I’m ready to be full on what he wants and needs and I know I can be that but…if he’s not willing to take a chance, Ms. Charles sits and waits for that one that wants to set her free.

love lockdown

I find myself in the undeniable, inevitable....wanting to break free of the shackles that enslave me. Shackles of an invisible embrace that insists on holding me although I try so hard to break free. Doing its bidding unknowingly, I secretly want to be controlled by the irremovable force. When its away, I subconsciously long for it to return to torture me more....more than the last time, but better than before. Overwhelm me like the heat in a room with no windows or a.c.

Force me to feel it, force me to see it, but never going away but only for a moment...I have broken free before but it always finds me... it... always... finds me. Drawing me in with its voice, its touch, all with the impression that things will be different. That no longer will I be enchained and ravaged but to be free to ravage...all along deceiving me and entangling me in its web. I surrender and I give up if only for a short time but once its gone away....I'll try to break free even if its only for a moment.

Introducing....

Hello and thanks for checking me out. My name is Faymiss. I want to blog somethings to sort of "air it out", if you will. I've gone through some things and I think its time to share. See who has been where I have, get some opinions, and get some new light on some darkness I've encountered.

Life isn't always easy and love is always hard....at least it seems. Although I am a hopeless advocate of love, I tend to always get stuck at a crossroads with it. There are some things that I just don't understand....and at the same time, maybe I'm thinking about things wrong. Anything else posted is just a means of sharing and expression.

Bishop Ziggy Tutu (you know who you are) told me that I tell good stories so I hope you will enjoy what I have to say....

God = Love, Love = God; no matter how you look at it.